Army of Christmas
by Otaconcon
Summary: This christmas a new army will rise! Yes, zombies. Again.
1. Chapter 1

December 25th

Moscow, Russia

The battered car stopped on the kerb and three all too familiar teenagers got out. Niko looked up as he closed the driver's side door, "here?"

"That's what it says on the news. There was a massive energy spike a couple of weeks ago." Tankini pressed a few buttons on her PDA.

Tank looked over, "where did you get that anyway?"

"ebay. Now come on let's go already." Niko locked the car as they walked to the square. St Basil's towered over them.

Tank looked up in awe, "wow…what a piece of crap."

"Hmm." Tankini approached a homeless man sitting on a bench. "Excuse me. We're looking for a friend of ours."

The bum looked up, "I might know him. What's the name?"

"Scott. Or any kind of variation."

The man stroked his chin, "Scott? Hmm. You don't mean Happy Scott do ya?"

Niko sniggered, "Happy Scott? Get real."

"No seriously, he's right over there." The man pointed to a hyperactive guy hassling tourists.

The three friends stared for a moment shocked by what they saw, "…holy shit."

He was wearing a long, scruffy coat and large boots like some kind of war veteran. He had shortish hair and a surprisingly neat goatee beard.

He was following a stranger across the square for some reason, "why those are lovely shoes! Mmm-mm yeah! Where'd you get em? You must be a hit with the ladies eh? See you around pal!"

Tank looked sceptical, "I don't know about this. He seems…different."

"Come on!" Tankini walked up and stopped Scott as he put his ear to a bottle.

He gasped, "I can hear the sea!" He waved the bottle at the group, "listen, listen!"

Niko took the bottle off him and smashed it on the ground.

"Oh," Scott looked down, "I'll never be famous now."

Tankini nudged him, "Scott?"

He took her hand and shook it, "what a coincidence that's my name too! Nice to meet you Scott!"

"What the…no! Don't you remember us?"

Scott looked around the group, "hmm, doesn't ring a bell. Ding-a-ling!"

"Concentrate!"

"Yeah…yeah hold on a minute. Stickly? Dirt-mouth? Slab-chin? What are you doing here?"

Niko nudged him, "to find you! Ya daft twat!"

"Me? Why am I important?"

Tank sighed, "oh…great."

"Who am I?"

"You don't remember? You're…" A crash cut her off. They turned to see the homeless man rise up from the now-broken bench. His pupils were milky white, glazed over.

The 3 groaned, "zombies? Again? At Christmas?"

Scott gasped, "zombies are real? That puts a dampener on things!


	2. Chapter 2

The Deadite hobo lumbered towards the group as they brainstormed. "The Necronomicon! Someone here must have it!" Tank said as they stumbled backwards,

Niko swiped the air in front of the monster, "but who?" They came up with their backs against a wall.

Scott pulled out a cigar, "now seems a good a time as any to start smoking. Mmm-mmm! Tastes like Cuban woman's leg!"

Tankini fumbled a revolver out of her bag and fired a few times. The last shot brought the clumsy zombie crumbling down. "Let's go!" She pulled Scott away from smoking and they ran down a back alley. As the cigar hit the ground more creatures began to rise up from the ground.

They stopped halfway down the fifth alley and caught their breath. "We're…screwed. We got no weapons or anything!" Niko panted.

"We need a plan," Tank ventured as he turned to Scott.

"Hmm…pie?"

Tankini pushed him aside, "we're gonna need weapons. Then we find the book and…do whatever we did last time. Scott can you remember the incantations?"

"Hmm…pie?"

"But where do we find weapons?" Tank asked the team.

Niko laughed, "we're in Russia!" They turned round the corner and saw three gun shops on the same street. "My favourite kind of shopping…"

They regrouped a few minutes later – Tank had a police issue Spas 12 in his hands, Niko had located an AK, Tankini loaded ammo into a Bull .480 and Scott had…a baseball bat. They all looked at him sceptically. "C'mon. C'mon. Yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

They pushed onwards looking at the purple sky. Tankini licked her finger and stuck it in the air. "That swirling in the sky must be from the portal. So we find the start of the swirling, we find the portal…"

"…then we find the book." Tank and Niko said en masse. They struggled through the thick snow which lined every street.

Eventually stopping at a hill top, the team looked out across the landscape trying to pinpoint the portal point of origin. Scott pulled out some binoculars and lay down, scanning the flat land. "No, I don't see any Zombies. Wait a minute…I see one now. They're Deadites all right." One of the aforementioned beings rose up suddenly in front of them, catching everyone off-guard. Tank blasted into the thing and the rounds ripped it into grisly shreds of matter. Shaken up but still alive, Tankini took hold of the binoculars and zoomed in on some action outside of a fancy building.

She put down the equipment down and pointed. "Down there! It's the Substitutes! Izzy, Payne, Arrow, Breaton, Newt – they're all here! And they need our help!"

Niko reloaded swiftly, "well let's not disappoint them." They sprinted down the hill, single file, to help their endangered comrades.


	3. Chapter 3

Newt and Breaton pushed the creatures back as they retreated into an alcove. "They're everywhere."

"Keep cool," Newton reassured him.

"Like you? Yeah right. We're not gonna last long without some help!"

Newt looked to the North, "speak of the Devil…"

Scott flew through the air and sliced the Deadite's head with his bat. The detatched head pummelled the zombie and both the attackers collapsed. Breaton and Newt looked out from their hiding place, "Scott? You're alive!"

"How does everyone know me?"

The rest of his team appeared behind him, "sorry guys no time to explain. We got to help…"

Another Deadite exploded from the inside and Payne landed on all fours. Arrow and Izzy picked her up again, throwing her bullet-style through another monster. They paused for breath, "well, well. It's the Offenders."

"Hey Arrow, guys, gals." Tank waved at them.

The Substitutes crowded around Scott, "woah…it's really you. You're actually here!"

Scott cowered, "who are you all? And how do you know me?"

Arrow whispered to Niko, "he doesn't remember us?"

"Nope," he replied, "I don't know hat the hell happened to him but it's seriously messed him up."

"I went to the lava shop!" Scott said chirpily.

"Lava? You got taken to the Deadite realm?"

"Yeah…but then I got sucked down another plug hole!"

Tankini thought, "a portal? How long have you been away?" She checked his watch. "How could we not notice? Its says here its November 1st."

Payne nudged her, "so its been 2 months for us and only…1 day for him."

Niko sighed, "no wonder he's cracked. Fighting all those monsters, 2 months gone in a day and literally going through hell to get back here."

"We'll split up," Tank, "Substitutes – you get Scott out of here and we'll find the b…"

A horde of Deadite soldiers flew overhead firing energy blasts at the survivors. They were separated back into their normal teams by the streams of power. The teams went their separate ways – the Substitutes headed to the main road and the Offenders continued to the epicentre of the attack.

Unsurprisingly the team discovered a large concentration of zombies in the area. They hacked and shot at the horde but defeat was inevitable. Just before they were slaughtered the creatures were commanded, "STOP!"

The team looked up in disbelief as the commander of the zombie troops stepped out of the shadows and into plain sight. They stared silently…except for Niko, "oh no fuckin' way!"


	4. Chapter 4

Several years ago. The Cabin in the Woods.

Ashley J. Williams held onto the door frame for dear life as the portal behind him pulled everything in like a black hole. Soon it was too late as the entire cabin, Ash's Oldsmobile and Ash himself were sucked inside. "Noooo!"

2 months ago. The same Cabin? Eh?

Similarly Scott was pulled into another portal after ridding his home dimension of a Deadite army and the evil book of the dead, The Necronomicon. His friends watched in disbelief as he fell backwards into the swirling abyss, "merry Gho…Halloween!"

December 22nd. The North Pole.

A pair of dark boots trod on something beneath a thin layer of snow. The figure picked up a book…bound in human flesh.

Christmas Eve. Moscow, Russia.

A figure in torn clothing fell from the sky and landed in the snow in Red Square. He sat up sharply, "Good morning citizens! Radio Me is now on the air! Ding ding ding!"

Christmas Eve. Several thousand feet up.

The Offender's private jet flies home returning from another fruitless search in Japan. Suddenly detecting an energy spike via a handheld GPS device the team turns their attention towards Russia.

Christmas Morning. Moscow, Russia. A few seconds ago.

"Oh no fuckin' way!"

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Huh?"

The Deadite leader was taken aback, "surely I'm expected…"


	5. Chapter 5

"After all," he boomed, "what is Christmas without…Santa Claus?!!" He let out a deep, hearty laugh. "It's a Christmas not worth having!" He laughed again.

"But Santa…" Tankini pleaded, "why? Why do all this?"

"Why? Because it's all too commercial! Christmas I mean. It used to be all about the love. But now? Presents! Money! Material things! That's all they care about. And it sickens me!"

Tank interjected, "what the hell! You've been delivering presents for years! It didn't seem to bother you then!"

"It's only gotten worse. Every year more and more expensive gifts…it's too much! I may only work once a year but it is the WORST DAY EVER! It ends tonight…when everyone on this planet is a zombie they'll be under my control. No more greed. Everyone will be equal. And now, please…accept my resignation…KILL THEM!"

The Deadites surged forwards again, arms swinging wildly at the team. Niko and Tank took front line and beat back the first few waves. "Scott think!" Tankini shook him by the shoulders, what did you do last time?"

"I…I…I don't know! Something to do with the book! There may have been some words but…"

"Which words?"

"I don't know! It's a book, it's full of them! All we can do is get it off him!"

Tankini turned to the other two and back. "We'll hold them off, get the Book now!" Scott fought through the army, cutting a path towards the large red sleigh Santa stood atop.

Father Christmas stood with arched legs, one hand on the book and the other outstretched, dark energy pouring from the Necronomicon through him. He was oblivious to Scott flying through the air and batting him over the head. "My, my. That was naughty of you."

Scott crashed upside down into a wall and fell to the ground. His friends were fighting valiantly but their defeat was inevitable. They fell to their knees exhausted and looked up at who was previously thought to be the kindest man alive. "Don't worry children, death ain't so bad. Just ask my army." He chuckled darkly.

"Hey jolly fat man!"

"Huh?" Santa turned. Atop the stack of presents Scott had found the perfect gift. "No, don't touch that!"

Scott levelled the RPG at him, "I've got a present for you!"

Santa stopped his zombie horde, "I'll spare your friends just…put that down!"

Scott considered, "there's only one way to say it…Merry Fucking Christmas!"

"NOOOOO!" The projectile forced itself from the launcher flying dead-on towards Santa. It impacted and exploded right in his stomach, blowing him outwards in many wet pieces.

Santa's remnants splattered down as Scott approached the scorched book. He picked it up and gasped, "delicious cake!"

The undead creatures throughout Russia crumbled into dust as Scott tore massive mouthfuls out of the Necronomicon. His vampire-like teeth shredded the main body of it before dropping it and stamping on the remains. "Bye bye Senator!"

As Niko helped himself to Santa's armoury, Tank and Tankini discussed Scott's fate…


	6. Chapter 6

Tank sighed as he walked with Tankini and Niko along the gravel path, "this doesn't feel right."

"What else are we supposed to do?"

"I know what I'm doing…" they turned to Tankini, "…I'm disbanding the team."

"What?"

"Why?"

"We completed our main objective – we found Scott. There's nothing more we can do."

"But we saved the world from a terrible evil!"

"We killed Santa. No more discussion. It's over."

They stopped when they reached the road, "well I guess this is it." They nodded solemnly, got into their cars and went their separate ways.

Back up the path, through a small garden and in through a small window Scott was enjoying his stay in the sanatorium. He had a shelf lined with books a small bed in the middle of his room.

Suddenly he twitched. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the last remaining scrap from the pages of the Necronomicon. He glanced at it for a moment…then promptly blew his nose on it. "Icky!"


End file.
